Suffering in music

Many of the most moving works created by composers throughout history share one thing in common: The emotional struggle and suffering that each composer faced, whether at the time of composition or throughout their entire life. I do not believe one of these pieces could endure without that level of emotional depth, and for that reason, if you delve into the life of any famous composer you can find elements of suffering in their lives. Even Richard Strauss, one of my favorite composers, has a rich biography of struggles faced during his lifetime that I could not have imagined based off of common descriptions of him as level-headed and expressionless. Mad mothers, fractious fathers and fractured cowbells: Richard Strauss reconsidered on JSTOR (arizona.edu)

I have experienced this concept in my life as a violinist, while observing other musicians. By far the most moving playing I have witnessed came from people who had experienced deep suffering in their life, and I could tell from their descriptions how those experiences inspired and drove their expression. This caused a form of anxiety in me, as my single aim in my life is to reach the highest level of musicianship I possibly can. Since I had a positive and uneventful upbringing, and never had to suffer true loss or mental struggle, how could I possibly understand the depth of emotion that those experiences provide?

It was two years ago when I had a life-changing experience that revealed to me how every human being may have access to the same emotional palette. I was going through some trivial conflicts at the time, questioning my identity and the reality around me and feeling a lot of emotions. This is something I know every single one of you can relate to. I allowed the emotions to build up and compound upon one another, until I was in a state of conflict that was unsustainable. This is where I made the pivotal choice to fully lay myself bare to every emotion, every heartbreak, and every existential question that existed. I abandoned the idea of sheltering myself from ideas or emotions, or ignoring the pain of another person. This doesn’t equate in any way to real trauma or suffering that one may face, but instead forces one to empathize with it and understand it. It forces you to understand your identity without manufacturing parts of it in order to make life or the world around you any easier. And most importantly, I tried to express this through music. I was inspired by a poem written by Khalil Gibran about this process:

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

and weep, but not all of your tears.

This poem led me to compose a piece that I believe finally opened me up to my own expression. I used themes I had came up at different points of that year, times where I was facing different types of struggles, however trivial, and completed the piece after life-changing revelations about life as a whole. I think it shows that, at least to me, it is possible to express suffering in music through attempting to understand truth, no matter who you are or what situation you are in.

Here is the piece if you are interested! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZQnxFX5iSM